Drugged: Chapter 7

The next few days pass me by in a blur; it doesn't really matter, as you know where I end up. But you'll just have to humor me a bit longer. This is my story after all.

I feel like I need to write it all down...every moment, every memory--because there's a distinct possibility that I will never get out of here. That the doors to "Peaceful Springs" will remain bolted tightly--& I'll never feel the rain on my face again. I start to panic if I continue along this train of thought for too long...but sometimes these pale blue walls start to close in on me. I can almost see them coming together--closer & closer--until I'm crushed between them. Unable to move. Unable to breathe. Unable to run. I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, & I just can't shake it away. "Zoe, you're gonna die in here." my inner monologue informs me. NO. No I will not. I will not die. I will not give up. They can't fucking keep me here. Even if they throw away the goddamn key...where there's a will, there's a way...right? I'll make my own if I have to. I'll find a way....

.....


So, as I was saying, the next few days pass me in a blur. I'm measuring time in tiny pink & blue pills. Every few hours, there's another one. I feel like I've got a blanket over my head....cotton stuffed in my ears. I go to school. I come home. People talk to me--but I don't really hear them. I see their mouths moving...but they may as well be speaking German. Or jibberish. It all makes about the same amount of sense to me.

I sleep. Alot. I have these dreams...I wish I had realized what they were at the time. Not just dreams at all. They were warnings....If only I'd heeded them, but I had no fucking idea. I thought it was simply a side effect from my meds....

I can't feel music anymore. It all sounds the same...no matter what I play. & I'm all alone in my head, for the first time in ages. & this alone terrifies me. I can't hear anyone else...not a peep from even a mouse. & I've lost my best friend. I can't hear--or speak to--Griselda anymore. Still she lingers, in the tree outside my window. Her shadow meshes with mine. But her voice has been muted. & so has mine.

Then I realize something. I have the first coherent thought I've had in days. I decide to stop taking those goddamn pills.

It takes a few days for the fuzziness to completely wear away, but slowly, I trade dreams of white walls & green eyes for the voices of birds & felines.

When I heard Griselda again, I almost shrieked with joy! I was so afraid I'd lost my gift--that my Mother & that fucking quack had stolen it from me!

-"ZOE! ZOE! ZOE!" I was sitting in algebra, watching as Mr. Simmons scribbled equations in yellow chalk on the board, when Griselda's voice finally broke through the drug induced fogginess in my mind. She kept screaming my name in intervals. Several times, & then she'd stop for a while. Time would pass; she'd do it again. Over & over. She wouldn't give up on me. She DIDN'T give up on me. She'd been at this for days.

-"Gris?" I had to really concentrate to break through to her. The drugs weren't gone yet...not completely.

-"ZOE!" her gleeful shriek startles me; I jump in my seat, banging my knee against the metal desk. A few people turn to glare at me, but before long, their eyes shift back to Mr. Simmons & his yellow chalk.

-"Gris--I'm in school. & this is really hard for me right now. Find me tonight--come to my window after dark. We're gonna be okay. I swear."

Focusing made my head hurt, but at least I was starting to feel like myself again.

.......



It was a long evening. My Mother dragged me off to Dr. Gunnkell's office. Every Wednesday night, so as not to interfere with the "Neighborhood Outreach" group, or Friday night bingo with her lady friends, my mother brings me here to be fixed. Or saved. & the good doctor fabricates some nonsense about me being delusional, or manic depressive, & my mother signs him a big fat check.

What a racket!

When the good doctor sees the light return to my eyes, he switches my prescription to Xanax. What-fucking-ever. I know better than to take that shit. Not anymore.

Never again.

Once I get home, I shut myself inside my room, lock my door & crank my stereo up to a level that probably has my mother's skin crawling. I spit the new yellow pill out from under my tongue into my palm; I shove it into the pocket of my jeans. Then I flip the locks on my window & push it up, slipping back out onto the roof.

My bird is waiting for me.

Griselda is hopping up & down with excitement....ever seen a bird do a jig before?!

I smile, & run my hand over her sleek black feathers.

-"What happened to you, Sister?! Where have you been?! I've been worried sick about you! I could see you...but you were...gone."

-"Gris, it's okay. My parents took me to this Doctor. To fix me..."

-"Fix you how? You aren't broken. There's nothing wrong with you."

-"Gris--I'm talking to a bird on the roof in the dark. My folks would totally disagree with you. They--the doctors--gave me these pills. & I couldn't hear you anymore..."

-"I've been trying to get through to you--to reach you--for several moons. Nothing worked. You weren't in there. There was no light in your eyes. You walked around in a daze. You were gone."

I shudder.

-"I'm back now." I smile at her.

-"What if they do it to you again?"

-"Don't worry, Gris. They won't. They think I'm still taking it. & we're gonna be long gone by the time they realize I'm not."

The bird cocks her head in confusion.

-"We're flying the coop, Gris."

She ruffles her feathers, fixing to spread her wings.

-"Not just yet. Gotta take care of a couple things. I'm not gonna get too far on foot. I need to be as far from the city as I can get in one night, so they have less chance of tracking me down. Stay close to me tomorrow after I get outta school. Gonna see 'bout gettin' a bus ticket. & you can follow me. Please?"

-"I'll always follow you. You're my Sister now."

-"Thanks Gris." I kiss the top of her head softly. "I've gotta catch some z's. Go hunt. We're gonna have a long night tomorrow."

She hops off the roof, flapping her wings with little effort. Before long, black feathers blend into the darkness, & I can't see her anymore....

Strange Dreams: Chapter 6

The album must've ended, leaving the amber stereo light to flicker endlessly in the dark; there was no more music. I never climb back inside to shut it down.

I just slouch there, up on the rooftop, my head leaned back against the aluminum siding of the house. I'd open my eyes from time to time, lapsing between sleep & dreams. The stars above would blur before my eyes, & my head felt so heavy & muddled.

Heavy lids droop shut once again, & images seem to flicker erraticly behind them.

& my mind is silent. I am not used to being alone inside my mind....not anymore.

But I have no energy to do anything about it. So I stay there beneath the stars. Trying to see the images more clearly...


......


I am running, stocking feet sliding beneath me. Where the hell am I?

I run, through endless white hallways...they all look the same. I have this horrible feeling of being pursued. I stop & look around, but there's no one there. I scream for Griselda, but she still doesn't answer.

The lights flicker above me...those long, florescent lights that hum as though there are a zillion bees trapped inside them.

Buzzing. Trapped. No escape.

I turn a corner too quickly, & my feet slide out from under me. I crack my head against the wall, as I crash to the cold white tile.

Warm blood trickles down my face, & leaves an angry crimson streak across the stark white wall.

I wipe the blood from my eyes, & stare at the red mess on my hand. But only for a moment.

I have to run. There's no time.

I stumble to my feet, & race to the end of the long hallway.

Where I am faced with a window. With bars on it. Because I'm trapped. Because they put me here.

There is a large raven in the tree outside the window. "Griselda?!" I shout, the words jagged in my throat. How long have I been screaming? Why doesn't anyone hear me?

A bird screams. I jump, grasping the bars tightly. But it wasn't the bird at all, just a boy. A young man actually, a bit older than me. He's lanky & pale, & he keeps ruffling his shaggy reddish hair. He's all alone. But for the bird. He lets loose another avian shriek, & the bird soars right to him. She lands softly, & wraps her talons gently around his wrist.

He looks up, right at me. His eyes are fiercely green, & a small, jagged scar runs just under his left eye.

I get the feeling that he SEES me, really SEES me...Who is he?...


......


I awaken to my Mother's incessant pounding on my door, & bright sunlight on my face, & climb back inside the house.

Green eyes linger in my thoughts....