Pretty Pills: Chapter 5

The door to hell is covered in crackled, spidery glass, & reads "Dr. Eugene Q. Gunnkell--Psychiatrist" in thick black print.

& "Purgatory", I'm convinced, vastly resembles the DMV. Everything in the "patient lounge", a very nice way of describing this drab room where you wait to be labeled, is fucking brown. Or beige. Or brown & beige. Gotta commend the interior decorator for her variety. The wallpaper features beige stripes that start to blur together if you stare at them too long. The sofa & chairs are throwbacks from the seventies....thick plush brown upholstery, with bent chrome arms. Even the art on the walls is drab...muted stills featuring vases with flowers that appear dead or dying, painted in sepia watercolors by some very uninspired artist. Perhaps he was dying too. That would explain a lot.

The "gatekeeper" is an overweight, middle-aged man who chews on his mustache when he's supposed to be "listening". He's probably been bald since the seventies, & wears a brown tie. "Doctor" Gunnkell--& I use this term very loosely--didn't listen to ME at all.

He DID, however, listen to my Mother quite a bit; then again, she is the one who signs the check, so why SHOULD he listen to ME at all? My Mother thinks he's "just wonderful".

-"Zoe. Hmmm." He's twisting that fucking mustache again. I slouch as low as I possible can in the squishy chair, without falling on my ass on the floor. He's sent my Mother away, so we can chat privately.

It's a total facade. He just wants that damn check.

-"Your Mother tells me you've been very depressed lately. She also says that you've been living in an imaginary world...& That you've been having difficulties making friends. Care to elaborate?"

-"Did she also tell you that she thinks I'm in a cult because the neighborhood gossip told her so?"

-"She mentioned something like that. But I want to hear your thoughts."

-"I think my Mother is the one who should be sitting in this chair. How's that?"

-" Here's what I think Zoe. I think you're a very ...imaginative girl, with a lot of internal issues. I think you feel ...different, than everyone else, so you lash out at a world that would otherwise embrace you with sarcasm & cynicism. These, delusions, your Mother speaks of...communicating with animals? You just want to be accepted. I can help you achieve that goal."

-"Well, 20 minutes & you've got me all figured out, huh Doc? That's pretty impressive."

-"I'm going to give you something that'll help you to relax. Should ease some of this depression & anxiety you're suffering from. It'll help you to embrace the world around you. It's okay Zoe. Everyone just wants to fit in."

He buzzes the receptionist to send my Mother back in.

-"Okay Mrs. Featherstone. Our time is up for today, but I want you to bring her back to see me next week, at the same time, alright? You were so right in calling me."

He pulls out his prescription pad. Is that all these guys are good for? Prescriptions & referals to see more of their kind? What bullshit!

-"I want to try her on Zoloft & see if this remedies any of her symptoms."

My Mother looks at the Doc with wide, serious eyes. There is such relief behind them; the good doctor agrees with her. Her daughter is broken, & better yet, there's a pill to fix it!

-"Get this filled right away. She'll take them twice a day, morning & night. If there are any complications or negative reactions, call me immediately. We'll change the dose, or the medication. But whatever you do--don't just abruptly stop these once they're in her system. That could be dangerous."

My Mother nods.

_"I'm also giving you a script for some Clonazapam. Give her one of these whenever she has an episode."

-"I cannot fucking believe this! I'm a little bit different--so you're gonna dope me up?! Un-fucking-believable!"

-"Zoe. Watch your tongue!" My Mother snaps at me. "Thank you so much, Doctor.'

-"Thank you Mrs. Featherstone. Zoe. See my receptionist on the way out to schedule another appointment."

This is beyond absurd. My Mother pushes me out the door.

We stop at the pharmacy on the way home to fill those life saving prescriptions post haste. I'm barely through the door once we get home, before my Mother is shoving those little blue pills down my throat.

My Mother sets the little orange plastic bottles on my bookshelf.

-"Honey, now you heard what the Doctor said. You'll tell us immediately if anything is wrong, alright? Just follow the directions on the bottle okay?"

-"There are so many things wrong here, I don't even know where to start." I mutter sourly.

-"Alright. G'night Dear." She flashes that plastic smile at me again, & shuts the door behind her, leaving me blissfully alone in my room.

I shuffle through the cds strewn about the floor, & decide on "Bad Religion". I turn the dial up. LOUD. My Mother never returns.

"There's people out there that say I'm no good,
'Cause I don't believe the things that I should,
And when the final conflict comes, I'll be so sorry I did wrong,
And hope and pray that our lord god will think I'm good...."

I bounce my head 'til the dizziness becomes overwhelming.

"FUCK ARMAGEDDON--THIS IS HELL! FUCK ARMAGEDDON --THIS IS HELL!"

I'm feeling sort of...drunk. Woozy. My head feels like it's wrapped in a blanket. Must be the drugs.

I snatch the little pill bottles off the bookshelf, where my Mother had left them. I contemplate tossing them out the window, but know my Mother will be looking for them in the morning. In the end, I dump them out on the thick black carpeting, swirling the little pink & blue pills around with my fingers. I absentmindedly start spelling out words.

HELP ME.

SAVE ME.

NOT ME.

I try to shake the fog out of my head. I don't like this.

I open my window, & slide outside into the night, my feet not as sure as usual. I slip into my spot, & lean my head back to look at the stars. the night sky is comforting, even if all the stars start to blur & streak together.

-"GRISELDA!" I shout in my head. I haven't heard her chattering since I got home. I almost always feel her presence in my mind. But I don't right now.

This frightens me. In fact, I can't hear ANYTHING right now. Not the Thompson's cat next door, Simon, although I can see him picking through their trash cans. Not the yippy poodle across the street, although I hear her barking. Not even a fucking squirrel.

OH NO. NO- NO -NO- NO -NO!

-"GRISELDA!"

She doesn't answer me. I fall asleep under the stars.

Heard it Through the Grapevine: Chapter 4

I have two shadows now, & only one of them belongs to me.

My bird is never far away. Well, I say "mine", as much as any living thing can "belong" to another. Griselda & I, we "belong" to each other.

No one bothers me anymore; "my peers" keep their distance. I don't know what exactly the football players said about me, but I have an idea. Word gets around y'know. Rumors spread like wildfire. I see how they look at me, when they think I'm not looking. I hear the whispers.

They think I have mutant super-powers, like one of the X-Men; perhaps this isn't so far off? I've heard that I'm worshiping the Devil. Or that I'm a witch. That I'm really a shape shifter, masquerading as a human girl. Like a werewolf. Now seriously, if I could be anyone, do you really think I'd land myself in fucking High School?! Really?! Some say I change into a huge black bird, & steal your identity. The more you listen, the stranger the stories get. But the consensus is all the same. On one thing they all agree...

Better to stay away from Zoe the Freak.

Can't say I disagree. I do nothing to dissuade them. My days have never been so peaceful.

Unfortunately, rumors this juicy don't stay in one place for too long. Word gets around. My classmates can't resist telling their friends at other schools, soon the parents are talking amongst themselves, & before long, my parents are whispering too.

& don't think they haven't noticed the lurking prescence of the large black bird, who's taken up residence in their Oak Tree.

When Mrs. Porter, who does the "Neighborhood Outreach" program with my Mother every Tuesday & Thursday, asks her if she knows that I've joined a cult, it's the last straw. See, Mrs. Porter is the self proclaimed "eyes & ears" of this community. She wears blue eye shadow up to her eyebrows, & festive earrings for every season...dangly pumpkins & Christmas lights that blink, blue & red stars for Independence day, & watermelons in the summertime. She runs her mouth a million miles a minute, & her dangly earrings swing back & forth, in effort to keep up with her rapidly bobbing head. It's almost hypnotic. She's such a fucking gossip monger. But Mrs. Porter heard from Mrs. Webber, who heard from her daughter Cindy that I was one of the leaders of a cult that worshiped machines as our true masters. See, Cindy & her friends went out for a picnic last weekend in the forest preserves, & they saw me & several other black robed figures, holding hands & chanting around a Fridgedaire!

"Oh honey!" She exclaimed to my Mother. "You've got to put a stop to this! Before it gets out of control!"

This is much too much for my mother, Mrs. Louise Featherstone, to handle. This is not the way things are supposed to be. See, you join these sorts of things to mingle, & to keep a firm grasp on your community. If everyone knows everyone, no "undesirables" can make their way in, thus infecting our perfect little neighborhood. & it's a status thing. All of the women cluck about who's husband got the better promotion, who's kid got into the better college, who's daughter is having the biggest wedding....it's fucking wretched.

She bursts into the house like a whirlwind; you can almost hear the gears turning in her brain. I'd bet they're really rusty.

-"Zoe?!" Her voice could cut glass. The door slams shut behind her. "Zoe! We need to talk!"

Yeah. Let's Talk. Why don't you try listening for a change Mother? See how that works out for you? This is gonna be good; I can tell from her tone.

-"What Mom?" I slink out into the living room.

-"I'm worried about you Honey. I've been hearing some pretty disturbing things about you..."

-"Lemme guess. Mrs. Porter?"

-"Mrs. Porter ALWAYS knows what's going on around here. She's friends with everyone. She's VERY well informed."

-"Yeah--that's what she wants you to think. So everyone tells her stuff & she can twist it all around. She's a lying hag!"

-"Zoe Featherstone! You mind your mouth! People are starting to talk about you!"

-"So what Mom?! I don't care what they think of me. You shouldn't either."

She stops for a moment, & brushes my dark hair from my eyes, so she can see my face. I scowl at her.

"You shouldn't hide your face dear. & you should smile more. Smiles are contagious you know." She flashes me the phoniest, most plastic smile she owns.

-"Are we done Mom? I have homework."

-"Don't you wanna hear what Mrs Porter told me?" She asks, aghast.

-"Not especially." I turn to go back to my room. She grabs my arm & tugs me back to her.

-"She told me that you're in a ..." She pauses, whispering the word "cult."

I can't help it--I just bust up with laughter. This is hysterical.

-"It's not funny! This is serious! They say you're ...worshiping...machines."

I laugh harder.

-"Cindy Webber saw you in Trippin Woods, with your friends, dancing around a refrigerator!"

-"Mom! Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?! First of all, what friends?! We both know I don't have any! & seriously, how would I even get a 'fridge out there?!"

-"Don't you take that tone with me, Missy!" She looks at me more closely. "Are you on drugs?!"

-"Yeah Mom. That's it. You've got me all figured out." I respond dryly.

-"Well, don't you disappear tonight Missy. Mrs. Porter recommended someone very good, & he says he can see you this evening."

-"What the hell are you talking about Mom?!"

-"This is getting completely out of hand. The depression. The sulking. The sneaking out the window--you thought I didn't know about that! All these...critters....always around! That bird!" She motions out the window. Griselda is watching us from her perch in the tree. "This can't go on! I'm taking you to a Doctor!"

I groan. "I don't need a shrink, Mom!"

-"Well, I wasn't asking you. Be ready to go after dinner. We're going to see Dr. Gunnkell."

Griselda: Chapter 3

It takes me a few minutes to compose myself.

I stand there in the alley way in awe, watching as my furry accomplices slink back into the shadows from whence they came. All but one.

The raven remains, grasping my wrist tightly...yet with care.

She watches me, wondering what I'll do next. I swing my hand out toward the sky, & she takes flight. I watch her graceful movements for just a moment, & then stoop to see if my little mp3 player has survived it's assault.

The screen is cracked & bits of the plastic have fractured & shattered. I jab at the little touch screen, but it's unresponsive. I frown.

-"Dammit!" I pitch it back to the ground, shake my head, & start walking home.

I notice a shadow at my feet that seems to vanish & reappear frequently. A shadow that isn't mine.

I light another Lucky, inhaling deeply, & continue home in a sort of daze. People pass me by, but all I notice are their feet. Sneakers & pastel pumps & work boots...beating a sort of rhythm into the pavement. This is the rhythm of the world that surrounds me, a world I don't fit into.

I reach my destination without further complications. The driveway is thankfully empty; no one is home. I twist my key in the lock, & drop my knapsack at the door. The silence is a bit unnerving.

I go into my room, & jab the "on" button on my stereo. Without even waiting to see what I've left in there, I flip the latch on my window, push it up, & slide outside onto the roof. My room overhangs the garage, so there's this little nook just outside the window, where you can press your back against that outer wall, & not have to worry about falling.

This is my favorite place to be when I'm home...just starring up at the clouds. Or the stars. I hate being trapped indoors with "them". That's almost unbearable. This is where I go to think...Where no one sees me...

I slip outside in a fluid, well practiced motion, & slide into my designated spot.

The gravelly voice of Mike Ness resonates from inside; I wrap it around me like a blanket.

" Some people like to gamble--but you always lose. Some people like to rock-n-roll--but you're always singin' the Blues. You've gotta nasty disposition--no one really knows the reason why. You've gotta bad, bad reputation--gonna hang down your head & cry. You've got bad...bad luck...."

I smile to myself & sing along, & then notice the raven, perched at the edge of the roof, staring at me.

-"Hello?" I ask.

The bird flutters her wings, & glides over to grip the window ledge just above my head.

-"So it is you." Her voice is tinged with surprise, & a bit of awe.

-"Huh?"

-"You called us. How is it that you speak in my head, human?"

-"Zoe. & I dunno. Just always been sumthin I could do. Talk to animals. But never from a distance like that. Mass call...that was ...wild. I didn't know I could do that...I thought we had to be...together, to communicate like this. You were there...." I tug at my lip thoughtfully. "You were the one that stayed. You followed me. Why?"

-" I've never encountered anyone who can do what you do, Zoe."

-"What do I call you?"

-"My name cannot be pronounced in your tongue, but the old woman who throws bread in the park calls me Griselda. You may call me that, if you wish. See, she speaks to me too...but not like you do. She can't hear me. I understand her, but she can't hear me....I wonder, if you are unique, or if there are others, like you?"

-"I dunno. Most people think I'm crazy."

-"I think you're special. You have a gift...You ARE a gift."

-"I've been called a lot of things..."gift" has never been one of them."

-"What happened to all of the others?"

-"The land dwellers left. The birds flew away. I don't think they even understood what called them there. That it was you, all along. When you screamed, it was like a siren sounded in our minds. It was impossible for us to ignore it. It drew us to the source...which was you. Once you no longer felt threatened, the mind-shriek subsided."

-"I'm glad you came back, Griselda."

-"As am I."

I hear the crunch of tires, as my Mother's station wagon pulls to a halt in the driveway.

-"I've gotta go. Will I see you again?" I ask hopefully.

-"I won't be far." Griselda spreads her dark wings, & hops off the ledge....

I watch her disappear, & carefully slip back through the window. I leave it open, just a bit...

Scream: Chapter 2

They hated me at school. Well, let me rephrase that--I'm pretty sure they STILL hate me at school--I'm just not there to grace them with my presence.

They tortured me--& when I say "they", I mean everyone who wasn't afraid of me. Specifically--the football team. Who would've thought little me, hair in my face, ears sandwiched between a pair of headphones, nose in a book...who would've thought I was a threat to the football team?! Well, apparently--they did. Either that, or they were bored out of their minds, because pursuing me became quite the pass-time.

I fit quite nicely into a locker.

It was on one of these occasions that I met Griselda....

.......


I was walking home from school...lost in my own head. It was a blustery October afternoon...oh, my favorite kind. The skies were grey, but the air was fresh & cool. How I miss the wind kissing my face; these pale blue walls are really starting to get to me. Anyways, the leaves drifted on the breeze all around me; they were possessed by their own sense of destiny. Orange, yellow, amber, ochre...green. They crunched under my boots like fortune cookies.

The musical melodies of "Type O Negative" echoed through the speakers wrapped around my head; the falling leaves seemed to dance with the rhythm of the bass. I pulled a pack of Lucky's from my pocket, & lit a smoke. I inhaled so deeply, smoke mixed with the flavor of the autumn breeze...I can still taste it today.

I didn't even notice they were upon me... until they had me cornered.

I looked up...& there they were. Brad Anderson, Joshua Smitner, Tom Bradley, & Jimmy Jacobs...the quarterback & his lackeys, in all their glory. & they're all smiling at me. & I just know this is not going to be a good day for me.

-"Hey guys, look what we have here! It's Zoe the Freak!"

-"Hey girlie, whatcha up to? Wanna hang out with us?"

I shake my head "no", & try to push my way past them, but Brad grabs me by my shoulders, & pushes me up against a brick wall. Great, in all my damned daydreaming, I've wandered right into a fucking alley. Good going. Now I get to have some "quality alone time" with the football team. Swell.

-"Take your hands off me, you fucking cretin!" I snarl at him.

-"Make me." Brad whispers. I don't like the sound of this. I take a drag off my cigarrette, & blow the smoke directly into his face.

He chokes on it.

In case you're wondering, no, this doesn't help my situation at all, but I'll be damned if I'll give them the satisfaction of breaking me. Ever.

Brad yanks the headset from my ears, & the gadget crashes to the pavement. The plastic shatters, little bits rolling away.

-"You little bitch! Maybe we should teach you some fucking manners! What do ya think guys?"

Now they're all around me. & I'm all alone. No one passing by. In a fucking back street alley. & there's no one to even hear me scream as they close in on me.

But that doesn't stop me. I scream anyways. Raw & jagged. But not only with my voice. Not at all.

& someone answered. Or, someones--I should say.

Rats scuttled from the shadows, & the skies above darkened with shapes. The hissing of tomcats filled my ears like music. & this pack of dogs, mangy & scruffy, appeared from nowhere. They growled menacingly at the mouth of the alley way; a beautiful German Shepard, white with a pink nose, his fur mottled with the dirt that freedom brings, helmed them. The leader of his pack, snarling. Music.

& then I realized, this was no coincidence. This was MY music.

My eyes widened in awe, as ravens rained down from above, clawing & pecking. Tearing soft boy flesh with razor sharp talons. The boys squealed like terrified little girls, & I laughed at the irony of the whole situation.

How many times had I run from these same boys? Or ones like them? So I wouldn't end up in a dumpster, or even better, stuffed inside someone's locker, for hours, banging until the custodian took pity on me & let me out? Look at them run!

The pack of dogs, smiling in that way only dogs can, gave chase...They mumble something in my head about the joy of the hunt. & they're gone.

I did this?! How could I have done this?! Could it really be true?! I mean...my ...talents had never been so, pronounced before.

I put my hand out, reaching for the sky, & one of the ravens lands in it. Softly, taking care not to scratch me at all. She wraps her talons gently around my wrist.

This is how I met Griselda...

The Beginning: Chapter 1

TAP–TAP–TAP!
TAP–TAP–TAP!

I hear the bird tapping at my window...

I try to ignore her, but the sound of her dragging her beak along the bars is unbearable. It sends shivers down my spine.

-“Go away! I’m trying to fucking think!” I scream at her with my mind. It’s a waste of time; she won’t listen to me.

-"Sister? Sister--are you there?"

Her insistent chirping echoes through my mind; my head is pounding.

-“Not yet, Griselda. Soon enough.”

-“When? I hate this feeling of being trapped.”

-“You’re tellin’ me? You’re free to come & go as you wish!”

-“We need to really spread our wings. I’m tethered here as long as you are.”

-“I’m workin’ on it Gris....”

She chirps in approval, & hops off the window ledge. She spreads her ebony wings, dancing on the breeze as it carries her into the darkness. She is gone, as quickly as she appeared.


.....


Griselda is the closest friend I’ve ever had; never have I connected with another as I have with her. Meeting Griselda is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me...

However, nothing is without it’s consequences, & even our friendship has it’s price. If Griselda had been a human girl, my parents would have rejoiced to the Heavens that their freaky daughter had found a friend! The fact that she is a bird, a raven, to be exact, is pretty much what landed me in this prison...


I’ve been trapped here against my will for months. “Here” is the Peaceful Springs Rehabilitation Home for the Mentally Ill”. I’m Zoe. I’m also just under 18–so I have no fucking rights! I am most certainly NOT fucking crazy, but how do you convince your boring, middle class, suburbanite parents that it is completely normal for you to talk to animals?! Well, not completely normal, but I’ve been able to converse with the creatures of the world since before I could even talk! I’ve always embraced it; it’s a gift...

This is the one thing that's always made me feel..."special". Not "short bus" special...but extraordinary. Rare. Not like all the half dead sheep that shuffle down the street in a trance...stumbling along...shuffling through their day. Working meaningless jobs they secretly loathe, running errands that are inconsequential...pretending to "interact" with people who's names they don't even remember. Paying bills. Buying clothes that further their "masks". Hiding. Pretending.

I've never pretended. I can see just beneath the surface. Tiny creatures whisper in my mind--things no one has ever even considered before. This is me...but they've locked me away for that. Being true to myself. If I'm not careful--they'll lock me in a dim, padded room, & throw away the fucking key. & everyone will forget all about Zoe the freak.

I remember...when I was little--I used to tell my parents how Charlie was feeling today. Charlie was our golden retriever. We always seemed to be together those days; he watched over me. How amazed I was, when I discovered that I could hear him! "Little One"--he called me. My parents, however, simply thought I had a "healthy imagination." Which basically means--they ignored me.

As I grew, my "gift" flourished. Creatures of all sorts flocked to me; they were drawn to me. I was a magnet. My parents were bewildered by the raccoons in the garage...& the birds in the attic. They must've called the exterminators out at least a dozen times...they never did get rid of the rats & mice.

My parents--who "only wanted me to be happy"--encouraged me to make friends. They were "just so worried about me". I already had all the friends I needed. I have friends anywhere I go. My own personal guard..."the creatures" have always had my back. But my folks--they got it into their heads that i was "anti-social". I was depressed. I needed to get more "involved" in things. Yeah--that was the answer. They signed me up for everything under the sun...as long as my "peers" were involved. First it was community service. Then it was the "youth group" that their church sponsored. If it would get their "weird daughter' out of the house, the decision was already made; I was joining it.

But it didn't matter. They'd drop me off at the door, & as soon as the Buick pulled away, I was out the door. & then my day belonged to me. None of the kids wanted me around anyways. Most of them were scared to death of me; they thought I was a witch.

The others....well, the ones that weren't terrified of me...they tortured me....